


Scooby Doo Shit

by Missy



Category: Ash vs Evil Dead (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Horror, Humor, Mad Scientists, Season/Series 01, Spook Me Multi-Fandom Halloween Ficathon, comedy-horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 20:40:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16436399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: Pablo, Ash and Kelly run into a little trouble when they investigate a spooky little town.





	Scooby Doo Shit

**Author's Note:**

> [This](https://images59.fotki.com/v905/photos/6/3814576/14859667/athering_by_jason_felixd5on32m-vi.jpg) was the image I was given by the fest moderator to build my story around!

“I don’t know about this, Ash. Haunted houses, spooky dwellings – we’re not Scooby Doo. We’re the fuckin’ Ghost Beaters!” 

“Maybe so, Kel,” Ash said, “but we said we’d go wherever evil farts upwind, and I’d say this is a pretty smelly little occasion.” 

“So what’s the story?” Pablo rested his chin upon his knee.

“Seems that we’ve got somebody monkeying around with the birds down in Plover Cove. They’re turning up with extra heads and limbs. Someone said they saw one with a couple of extra asses…”

“Extra asses? Sounds like your dream girl,” said Kelly.

“No, my dream girl would have three boobs, like Schwarzenegger intended,” Ash said. “But it’s our job to stop the guy, if he’s the problem,” he said.

“Right. So if I wake up with my head grafted to a dog’s ass, I should kick yours for dragging me into this mess,” Kelly said.

“You can kick it twice. I always wanted to have a couple of dimples up on there.”

Kelly snorted, crossing her arms over her chest. “Riight. So how much further is it to Plover Cove?”

“Twenty minutes, but between then and now I’m gonna have to shake hands with the thunderbucket.”

“Tasteful.”

“Hey, you’re in the wrong place if you’re looking for taste.”

 

*** 

Plover Cove was shockingly gloomy and quiet. In the middle of summer it was freezing cold, and Kelly broke out her leather jacket to get them through the rest of the evening. She was waiting for Pablo to finish taking a leak on the shoulder of the road while Ash argued with the mapquest ap on her phone. Life had sucked worse before and would be more awesome in the future, but at the moment it was at least somewhat tolerable. She could hack this with a lot of patience. 

That was when a breeze blew up, high and sweet-scented, making her shiver. It smelled like expired lime pudding and something that had gone slightly off. 

“Hey,” Pablo said, his grin widening, “that smells just like my mami’s old Jell-O mold!”

She sighed. “Pablo, stop getting nostalgic! It’s probably a sign that something very, very wrong is happening up at the end of that driveway.”

“Aw, Kell, you’re being too hard on him,” Ash said. “After all, what could possibly be at the end of that spooky, heavily, shadowed road.” Lightning overlit his features. She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. 

“Let’s just get back in the car and start driving,” she said.

 

*** 

Things went to shit quickly.

Of course they did.

Because Plover Clove didn’t just have double-assed monkeys or triple-headed birds, they also had people with four faces or three sets of feet. And every single one of them happily told the Ghost Beaters where they got their extra attachments – Doctor Plurvis.

Doctor Plurvis was the guy living at the end of the road. He was the one with a needle filled with bright green liquid that Ash, with very little convincing – allowed to be injected into his own neck as soon as he was told it was Botox. 

It hadn’t worked out for him, of course. And had resulted in Kelly and Pablo being strapped down and threatened too.

She didn’t want to ask why the guy was half-liquid tubing. Maybe he had experimented on himself. Maybe he was that dedicated to his aesthetic. Either way she had to think fast. There was a large wad of chewed bubblegum stuck to the bottom of her shoe. Some of his tubing was sticking out and easy to disrupt. Maybe….

 

**** 

 

“I don’t believe you saved us both with gum,” Pablo complained. He was eating a candy bar as they drove off; since the town hadn’t paid them back for their services, they unliberated a bunch of food from the local convenience store and made tracks out of Michigan.

“What can I say?” asked Kelly. “I’m inventive.”

“Um,” Ash said. “This isn’t too noticeable, is it, guys?” He pointed at his still-glowing face.

“Not at all,” Kelly said, and climbed into the back of the RV to claim her rightful place in its only bed.


End file.
